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I Need Everyone To Critique My Sales Letter

Marketing, social media, advertising

Jessica

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Hi Everyone,

I am a new copywriter who likes to write sales letters. I want to be one of the best, so I am CALLING ALL PEOPLE who know how to write copy. Be very critical and if you like it you can say it as well. I also, have a question: how much would you charge to write a sales letter?

Below is a sales letter that I made up for a fake rental car company named Need-A-Car.


Title: Rent It Before You Buy It


Picture this…you and your friends are packed and ready to go on a road trip. You pick up the rental car and head on down the highway. What is that you feel? What is that you hear? Nothing, but your friends singing a classic road song in the background.

This is the feeling you get when you rent a vehicle from Need-A-Car.

Need-A-Car is proud to be apart of the top three car rental companies in the world. We've received excellent reviews on our car maintenance and performance from thousands of loyal customers around the world.

It gives us great honor to announce Need-A-Car is now selling vehicles! We know that as an expert driver you are concerned about buying a car from a car rental company. However, here are some clear-cut reasons of why you should buy a car from us:
  • We have a strict policy of maintenance on our vehicles.
  • The vehicles that we sell are two years old or less.
  • Our vehicle have less than 50,000 mph on them.
  • All of our vehicles are fuel efficient.
  • We sell cars, trucks, and vans at low rates.
  • We provide financing on all vehicles.
When you’re looking for another dependable vehicle to add to your adventures, then, visit any Need-A-Car sales lot near you.

P.S. We are so excited about this new venture that we’re offering our loyal customers a free coupon for a two day rental on any car you would like to buy.

Visit www.needacar.com/buy-car/coupon. Print the coupon and bring it into any Need-A-Car Sale lot near you.
 
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Bila

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I like it Jessica,It's clear and i really like the idea actually. Welcome to the forum
 

DennisD

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Who is this written for? You're targeting is unclear and it effs with your messaging. The person renting a car for a road trip probably isn't the same person interested in "trying before buying".

Let's break it down more thoroughly and examine technique.

Title: Rent It Before You Buy It
You need a catchier title.

If you want to do with this, why not "Try it before you buy it?". Rent implies that they'll have to pay money, which is true... but using it in the TITLE will turn people off straight away. The first word in the copy sets up an expectation that they have to pay money which isn't a good way to start. Also, the word "try" rhymes!


Picture this…you and your friends are packed and ready to go on a road trip.
This is something a lot of people do that I dislike. I hate when copy says "Picture this". It sounds patronizing. I know you're trying to sell me something, I'm not going to do the work for you! Just jump into the imagery without 'picture this'.

You pick up the rental car and head on down the highway. What is that you feel? What is that you hear? Nothing, but your friends singing a classic road song in the background.

This is the feeling you get when you rent a vehicle from Need-A-Car.

This is clumsy. Don't ask the readers questions unless they have the answers, they will only humor you for so long before they lose interest. Remove the comma after "nothing". And "Classic road song"? Like... what? "she'll be comin round the mountain?" I have no idea what you mean here.

Also, there isn't enough imagery or feeling here if you're going to follow it up with "this is the feeling you get". In fact, you should never say the line. Again, it's too direct and too patronizing. Just show the imagery, you don't have to literally tie it in. Let the imagery sit next to the product without overtly calling attention to it. Here's a video I cut that has some relevance:


If you're going to try and focus on the feeling they get... you need to pinpoint your audience first, and talk to them directly.

"It's 5:01 Friday evening and you're free from your corporate overlords. Goodbye job, hello Vegas. You pick up Ricky and Turtle and hit the road. Sure, Ricky's loud and Turtle hasn't showered in a week, but that's what makes them so lovable. You crank Highway to Hell and hit the gas."

It tells a story and speaks to a particular demographic.

Need-A-Car is proud to be apart of the top three car rental companies in the world. We've received excellent reviews on our car maintenance and performance from thousands of loyal customers around the world.

Why is this the only thing bolded? These features are boring. Who are they for? It sounds like they're for the vanity of the company. You haven't given us the reason why we care about the company yet for these facts to matter.

It gives us great honor to announce Need-A-Car is now selling vehicles! We know that as an expert driver you are concerned about buying a car from a car rental company. However, here are some clear-cut reasons of why you should buy a car from us:
  • We have a strict policy of maintenance on our vehicles.
  • The vehicles that we sell are two years old or less.
  • Our vehicle have less than 50,000 mph on them.
  • All of our vehicles are fuel efficient.
  • We sell cars, trucks, and vans at low rates.
  • We provide financing on all vehicles.

FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES. Here's a video explaining how I feel about this part:

These are all nice and dandy, but nobody really cares. Untargeted features are what you provide to somebody who's already made the decision they like your brand. You haven't given them a reason to like the brand yet, so these features might as well not exist on the copy at all.

Basically, you're suffering from a single problem, and that's not having a clear direction on the ad. You haven't decided who EXACTLY you're talking to, what they care about, what features they want to see, or why they'd want to rent/buy a car at all. You're either selling a car to somebody who needs it for a roadtrip, or you're selling it to somebody who wants to try it for a weekend in day-to-day life before buying it.

You let the demographic inform every writing decision. Before every line, say to yourself "How will my demographic respond to this".

Keep up the hard work
 
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DennisD

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Didn't even see this question:
how much would you charge to write a sales letter?
I personally charge $300-1000 depending on length and requirements. It really all depends.

I don't really give-a-shit if I get the gig... I'm very happy not having to do extra clientwork. So when I quote a client, I tell them how much money it would take to make it worth it to me to actually do it and care about it.

If it's worth it to them, that's great. If it's not, I'm sure they'll find someone else they'll be happy with.
 
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Jessica

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Who is this written for? You're targeting is unclear and it effs with your messaging. The person renting a car for a road trip probably isn't the same person interested in "trying before buying".

Let's break it down more thoroughly and examine technique.


You need a catchier title.

If you want to do with this, why not "Try it before you buy it?". Rent implies that they'll have to pay money, which is true... but using it in the TITLE will turn people off straight away. The first word in the copy sets up an expectation that they have to pay money which isn't a good way to start. Also, the word "try" rhymes!



This is something a lot of people do that I dislike. I hate when copy says "Picture this". It sounds patronizing. I know you're trying to sell me something, I'm not going to do the work for you! Just jump into the imagery without 'picture this'.



This is clumsy. Don't ask the readers questions unless they have the answers, they will only humor you for so long before they lose interest. Remove the comma after "nothing". And "Classic road song"? Like... what? "she'll be comin round the mountain?" I have no idea what you mean here.

Also, there isn't enough imagery or feeling here if you're going to follow it up with "this is the feeling you get". In fact, you should never say the line. Again, it's too direct and too patronizing. Just show the imagery, you don't have to literally tie it in. Let the imagery sit next to the product without overtly calling attention to it. Here's a video I cut that has some relevance:


If you're going to try and focus on the feeling they get... you need to pinpoint your audience first, and talk to them directly.

"It's 5:01 Friday evening and you're free from your corporate overlords. Goodbye job, hello Vegas. You pick up Ricky and Turtle and hit the road. Sure, Ricky's loud and Turtle hasn't showered in a week, but that's what makes them so lovable. You crank Highway to Hell and hit the gas."

It tells a story and speaks to a particular demographic.



Why is this the only thing bolded? These features are boring. Who are they for? It sounds like they're for the vanity of the company. You haven't given us the reason why we care about the company yet for these facts to matter.



FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES. Here's a video explaining how I feel about this part:

These are all nice and dandy, but nobody really cares. Untargeted features are what you provide to somebody who's already made the decision they like your brand. You haven't given them a reason to like the brand yet, so these features might as well not exist on the copy at all.

Basically, you're suffering from a single problem, and that's not having a clear direction on the ad. You haven't decided who EXACTLY you're talking to, what they care about, what features they want to see, or why they'd want to rent/buy a car at all. You're either selling a car to somebody who needs it for a roadtrip, or you're selling it to somebody who wants to try it for a weekend in day-to-day life before buying it.

You let the demographic inform every writing decision. Before every line, say to yourself "How will my demographic respond to this".

Keep up the hard work
Thanks a lot, you gave me a lot of great advice!
 

Jessica

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Didn't even see this question:

I personally charge $300-1000 depending on length and requirements. It really all depends.

I don't really give-a-shit if I get the gig... I'm very happy not having to do extra clientwork. So when I quote a client, I tell them how much money it would take to make it worth it to me to actually do it and care about it.

If it's worth it to them, that's great. If it's not, I'm sure they'll find someone else they'll be happy with.

I just subscribed to your youtube channel and I think your funny for putting up the Office video.
 
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Lex DeVille

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Hi Everyone,

I am a new copywriter who likes to write sales letters. I want to be one of the best, so I am CALLING ALL PEOPLE who know how to write copy. Be very critical and if you like it you can say it as well. I also, have a question: how much would you charge to write a sales letter?

Below is a sales letter that I made up for a fake rental car company named Need-A-Car.


Title: Rent It Before You Buy It


Picture this…you and your friends are packed and ready to go on a road trip. You pick up the rental car and head on down the highway. What is that you feel? What is that you hear? Nothing, but your friends singing a classic road song in the background.

This is the feeling you get when you rent a vehicle from Need-A-Car.

Need-A-Car is proud to be apart of the top three car rental companies in the world. We've received excellent reviews on our car maintenance and performance from thousands of loyal customers around the world.

It gives us great honor to announce Need-A-Car is now selling vehicles! We know that as an expert driver you are concerned about buying a car from a car rental company. However, here are some clear-cut reasons of why you should buy a car from us:
  • We have a strict policy of maintenance on our vehicles.
  • The vehicles that we sell are two years old or less.
  • Our vehicle have less than 50,000 mph on them.
  • All of our vehicles are fuel efficient.
  • We sell cars, trucks, and vans at low rates.
  • We provide financing on all vehicles.
When you’re looking for another dependable vehicle to add to your adventures, then, visit any Need-A-Car sales lot near you.

P.S. We are so excited about this new venture that we’re offering our loyal customers a free coupon for a two day rental on any car you would like to buy.

Visit www.needacar.com/buy-car/coupon. Print the coupon and bring it into any Need-A-Car Sale lot near you.

A few things jump out at me:

- Target the headline to your customer's deepest desire.

- Eliminate extra words. One of the best ways I've found to do this is by recording myself speaking copy outloud. Extra words sound really awkward outloud.

- Get really specific with details. Sometimes it's okay to use vague language, but not when you're trying to paint a specific picture. When you say "Picture this" you have to give them a picture, or else they can't picture it. ;)

- Turn features into benefits. For instance:

We have a strict policy of maintenance on our vehicles.

could easily become:

We maintain our cars so you don't have to.

The first half is the feature, the second half is how it benefits the prospect.

Overall it's pretty good. Just needs a bit of fine-tuning. Your storytelling is pretty good too. I'd like to experience more of your personality in the text. That will help with it not feeling salesly.
 

Grinning-Jack

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In your sales letter you show how your company is great, you care of it.
But you almost don't show how you're care of "me"/customer.
Also the title. Do you try to sell a car? Or do you want me to rent one?

Good luck.
 

Jessica

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A few things jump out at me:

- Target the headline to your customer's deepest desire.

- Eliminate extra words. One of the best ways I've found to do this is by recording myself speaking copy outloud. Extra words sound really awkward outloud.

- Get really specific with details. Sometimes it's okay to use vague language, but not when you're trying to paint a specific picture. When you say "Picture this" you have to give them a picture, or else they can't picture it. ;)

- Turn features into benefits. For instance:

We have a strict policy of maintenance on our vehicles.

could easily become:

We maintain our cars so you don't have to.

The first half is the feature, the second half is how it benefits the prospect.

Overall it's pretty good. Just needs a bit of fine-tuning. Your storytelling is pretty good too. I'd like to experience more of your personality in the text. That will help with it not feeling salesly.

Thanks for the kind words. My biggest problem is being detailed in my story telling and making sure I don't confuse features as benefits.
 
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DennisD

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Another small note: writing copy for imagined brands is a bad exercise. Instead, pick a company that actually exists.
Half of marketing is creatively working around your limitations. When you imagine a company, you have no limitations.

So maybe pick a company, determine who is most likely to buy from that company, research the company, and then write copy based on these facts.
 

Member

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Another small note: writing copy for imagined brands is a bad exercise. Instead, pick a company that actually exists.
Half of marketing is creatively working around your limitations. When you imagine a company, you have no limitations.

So maybe pick a company, determine who is most likely to buy from that company, research the company, and then write copy based on these facts.

I think that when you are first starting it is okay to use fictitious companies and products.

The first stage I went through when learning copywriting was learning what kinds of things customers want to hear. Even in this fictitious car example you can see that Jessica hasn't quite yet nailed that part and she had no real limits on what she was allowed to say.

I would say practice both creating the perfect product for your market and writing it in really tight copy. It helps you get inside the head of your customers, and it helps you improve the more technical aspects of your writing (grammar, "punchiness", ease of understanding). Feel free to violate the laws of physics, economics, etc. when you are coming up with your product.

If you can't figure out what the customer is looking for when you can tell them anything, I don't know how you're going to figure out what aspects of a real product to emphasize. Real products are going to be much more pedestrian than something you think up.

This process helps you know what perfect copy would look like without limitations. Then when you begin to place limitations on yourself you know what you're trying to get your copy to look like.

That's my experience.
 
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Member

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Thanks for the kind words. My biggest problem is being detailed in my story telling and making sure I don't confuse features as benefits.

A feature is usually something that is technical, mechanical, or numerical. It is a description of the product or service in specific terms that help you understand what you are getting and how the service you are purchasing is being performed. Think of them primarily as factual descriptions.

People usually don't get emotional over features unless they geek out over that kind of product.

features:
4 wheel drive - this tells you that all four wheels will provide force against the road
5 person cleaning team - this tells you how many people will come to perform the cleaning service
surround sound audio - speakers will be placed throughout the theatre

A benefit is how that feature will make their lives better. Focus less on how the product works and more on what kinds of experiences it will give the user and how it will make them feel. What problems does the feature help them avoid or what kinds of awesome experiences do the features give you.

Think of it as educating the reader on why they want to receive something with these features. Teach them to want it. Select the benefits that are the most emotional. That could be excitement, sadness, guilt, pride, greed, anger, happiness, fear, romance, etc..

benefits:
4 wheel drive - never worry about getting stuck in rain, mud, or snow. in actual copy you could use a specific scenario to illustrate the benefit of 4 wheel drive (mud slide, off roading, parking on the beach for a sunset, hauling something, etc.)
5 person cleaning team - you won't need to blow an entire afternoon just so that you don't leave strangers alone in your house! In and out in 45 minutes.
surround sound audio - "like taking girls to horror movies? our sound is so real, your date will cling to you the whole time"
 
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DennisD

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Even in this fictitious car example you can see that Jessica hasn't quite yet nailed that part and she had no real limits on what she was allowed to say.
Many 5-star writers say "When I hit a road-block or start writing poorly, I give myself MORE rules".

I'm like this, as well. I can't work unless I'm problem-solving... Without real-world problems, there's no problem-solving.
 
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Jessica

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Thanks Everyone, for giving your honest opinions on my work. Its going to make me a better writer. In a couple of weeks,I will have another sales letter for you'll to critique.

I think every beginner copywriter should use this method of learning the craft. Reading books on copywriting is very important, but, having your peers and those who have done copywriting for a long time take apart your sales copy is... priceless.


Jess
 

Humble man

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The actual forum Ad in the middle of the copy tested my ADD :) and I was gone forever. Got to be more catchy to draw me in As Dennis mentioned first with headline and every single sentence to pull me in...sounds really corporate meeting style. Also give me the Big news upfront then break it down. I like the main points to scream at me but subtly if that makes sense. So I can absorb it love or leave it and move on.

I admire copywriters who put it out there publicly and sincerely want to improve. Bravo Jessica. BTW I have done copy but I am not Pro but I am Pro Consumer and copy take noter. :) Good luck my friend.
 

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Make your message crystal clear

Clarity is king.

So tell me exactly:

- what your offer is
- what’s in it for me
- and what you want me to do



Focus on benefits instead of features

Let’s take, “We provide financing on all vehicles”, for example.

Financing is a feature.

A benefit would be the ability to get the car right now, even if I don’t have much cash.



Make it easy for me to take action

Don’t make me figure out where the nearest sales lot is – give me an address.

Don’t make me print off a coupon – use the letter itself as a coupon. (Heck, I might not even have a printer!!)


I also liked the storytelling. Stories can be super-powerful in copywriting, and are great for holding the reader’s interest.

Anyways, keep at it and welcome to the forum. :)
 
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hestati

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When someone says "write for fictional company" I really dont understand how you can do it. When I write copy, 95% of time and effort is research. Facts, facts, facts. Do you just make up facts when writing for a company or product which doesnt exist?
 

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