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My Wife is a total sidewalker, any advice?

chipmx

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Well, I think my wife is in the sidewalk and here are the main reasons.

1) she neither work nor study since I meet her and I married here 10 years ago (despite I always encourage her to study anything or to read anything productive, she only read celebrities gossips magazines and similar stuff)

2) she thinks she deserve all my money because she is my wife and the mother of my daughters (yes I know I need to put food on the table for my kids, but in nowadays isnt supposed that both parents must work for their kids)

3) she consumes everything instead of producing ( she buy food in the breakfast, lunch, dinner, she goes to the cinema every weekend)

4) she needs constantly instant gratification (she always is looking for offers in cloths, in food, toys, etc)

5) she didnt save a penny, she waste all my money (in my bussines if I earn 100 USD a day, she wants to spend that 100 USD in a single day)

6) she didnt have any long term plan (despite of "what movie she can watch this weekend or what party she must go)

7) she consumes me (everyday I feel like I am trapped in jail and I cant escape, if I walk two steps ahead, she always bring me 1 steps behind, If I earn 2 USD, she waste 1 USD, etc.

8) she is always online on the fb account ( she cand spends 3 hours or more a day browsing the groups and facebook pages or playing candy crush, bubble witch, etc)

I am kind of desperate, because she is always complaining about we dont have anything (we live in my parents house despite I bought a house since my first daughter born 9 years ago, she always says that its too small, she always says that we dont have a good car, etc.

Well I didnt not know who is the sidewalker if my wife or me.

I have a couple of bussiness and I am always pretending to create more business, like an entrepeneur, I am always reading something or learning something new that I can use later in the business, I have long term plans, I have a college degree, I didnt watch TV, etc, etc.

I cant divorce her because my daughters in deed sometimes I think that the only reason that we are together its for my kids.

How I can teach her? How I can change her mentallity?
 
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Determined2012

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Wow! I am a woman and this post DISGUSTS me!

You have to cut off her access to the bank accounts RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE.

I would never allow some one to make such horrible choices and decisions that would have an adverse or negative impact on me.

You have to have a serious talk with her and there needs to be some serious CHANGES and CHOICES being made.

If she wants to continue to squander time and money it has to be HER OWN, independent of yours. This is just ridiculous, and yes you might be a little side walker too for ALLOWING her to do it (to YOU).

Wow. I am experiencing second hand embarrassment behind this one.

A marriage is supposed to be a team, where both contribute (something) and enhance each other.

Its sad that you also feel at times only married for the children, in my opinion thats not a good reason to stay married.

You have to address this ASAP and make changes. YOU are going to allow HER to ruin everything you are working so hard for. Thats not right, fair, or respectful of her.

She is BEYOND selfish and greedy. Is this a troll post?! Its so crazy!
 

Rcaraway1989

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I cant divorce her because my daughters in deed sometimes I think that the only reason that we are together its for my kids.

That's bullshit. You can and should divorce her if she's set in these ways. Your daughters will be fine even if they struggle with it at first.
 
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Visionquest

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I have a wife who does not work. I love her dearly and when the kids went back to school she still decided to stay home. We have a house cleaner and a lawn service, and she loves to remodel the house. I started to feel as though she was just taking the freedom I was trying to get it life by spending my lifeblood. My solution for what it is worth. #1 was to love her and let her be who she is. She is my sidewalk wife and occasionally touts the slowlane rhetoric. But what can I say I truly love her and I ahem beed with her for 21 years. She says how much she loves dogs. (we have 2) so I started asking her what makes her happy. what would you do with your life to make money if it could be anything at all? it all came dow to dogs. So we started a small dog sitting business out of the house. It is not uncommon for us to have 2-3 dogs around our house all of the time now. I love dogs too so it worked out well. She makes 40 dollars a day to not change at all. But it gives her purpose and she makes a little money to spend. The MAJOR thing i did was to bring home far less money than I can. I bring home just the amount of money for the family to live comfortably on and say to her spend it all every month. You don't have to save any of it at all. this gives her free reign with the checking account. I have 4 businesses so I keep all of the cashflow in the businesses. If I ever need to buy anything I just write it through the business. My cars are through the business and all of the extra profit from the businesses are reinvested into the business or moved into an appreciating asset that can be depreciated against income to the government. This is a huge WIN WIN. She is happy with money we take 4 family vacations a year. I get to do what I love and move money and work. I don't require a lot in life. I love my car but other than that I just like owning the assets and moving myself towards greater net worth.
Hope this helps a little
 

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Okay, I'm not an expert on this stuff, I've never been married, but you asked for advice, I'm going to advise you from a relationship long of view.
One, if you love your wife, you should never judge her. You shouldn't looks at her bad habits and say "you're this, you're that. You're a sidewalker you're a consumerist." The fact is, this was someone you saw fit to marry, and even though she may have bad habits (which everyone does), when you love someone to accept them for how they are but still encourage them to grow and become better people for their own benefit.

Now, you said your wife is always complaining, and saying how little you guys have. While I don't condone her behaviour, you must not take everything a woman says literally. Women tend to speak and act on emotion far more than men; it's a feminine trait. How many times have you seen that women say they want to do something, the man agrees, and suddenly there's a misunderstanding because the woman goes back on her word? It usually goes something like the man saying, "but you said...?" If she's complaining about particular things I'm willing to bet $50 she's actually dissatisfied with other areas of the relationship and is venting?
So does that mean you need to know what's wrong even without her telling you?
Yes.

Sometimes in marriage, the passion of love dies because the focus is put on raising children, work, paying bills etc. etc. I've seen this many times when couples are so consumed that they don't even had time to embrace each other.

The way it sounds, your relationship is still salvageable. i know some people will tell you to just divorce, but I'll tell you this.
I'm not saying divorce is wrong, and you should never do it. But, if you are going to divorce, be sure that you've tried everything, and there's no saving the marriage. It will affect your daughters to not grow up in a home with two parents in a loving marriage. It's become the norm and it's leading to a desolving of family values in society.

Try doing this once. Think about when you first met your wife, and how you felt about her then. Really feel the love you felt for her at that time without putting any harsh judgements on her. When you come home next time, just go straight to her, and give her a hug for no reason at all, and tell her you love her. Don't look for a reason to, just do it because.
Plan a night where your parents can watch your kids for a bit. Don't tell her about, don't ask her to plan it. Make them plans yourself. Come home and tell her "we're going out tonight. Put in something nice, we're going to this restaurant at about this time." And just take her out for an evening where you two can just be with each other, and reexperience the feelings that brought you two together
 

Ninjakid

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My friend, Oscar Wilde made an excellent quote that, "women are meant to be loved, not understood."
Maybe they aren't rational, maybe they don't always act as we would like them to, but really they just want a man who can boldly lead them through life, and smother them with love.
I'm encouraging you to try to salvage the marriage, but use your own judgement. She may not be the one for you, and you're the only one who can make that call.
Best of luck, and I hope it all works out for you.
 
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Visionquest

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I have to agree. I do not resent my children because they are sidewalkers. They just are at this time in life. Not everyone is a fastlater. I have resigned myself to carry some people with me on my journey for no other reason than I LOVE them dearly. Many of my employees are sidewalkers. That is the way they choose to live they are not bad people. I seriously had to make the decision to stay with my wife. It came down to the fact that I loved her and I was willing to meet her where she is. But she is also willing to let me be who I am. Sometimes that is a hard person to live with. Best of luck
 

Visionquest

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My friend, Oscar Wilde made an excellent quote that, "women are meant to be loved, not understood."
Maybe they aren't rational, maybe they don't always act as we would like them to, but really they just want a man who can boldly lead them through life, and smother them with love.
I'm encouraging you to try to salvage the marriage, but use your own judgement. She may not be the one for you, and you're the only one who can make that call.
Best of luck, and I hope it all works out for you.
Great quote love the advice sometimes we are looking at what we don't like and forgetting what we LOVE
 

AubreyJ

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My friend, Oscar Wilde made an excellent quote that, "women are meant to be loved, not understood."
Maybe they aren't rational, maybe they don't always act as we would like them to, but really they just want a man who can boldly lead them through life, and smother them with love.
I'm encouraging you to try to salvage the marriage, but use your own judgement. She may not be the one for you, and you're the only one who can make that call.
Best of luck, and I hope it all works out for you.

This attitude doesn't have to do with the fact that this person is a woman. It has to do with the fact that this person has major character flaws- like a bad attitude, a bad work ethic, and no patience.
 
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RHL

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I'm not sure what I'd do in OP's situation. I need to think about it some more before I respond.

As a related aside though, Wharton published an article about 8 years ago with alumni who were worth at least $100M. One common thread among all of the ones that were interviewed said that having an awesome wife (I don't think any women were interviewed, I don't recall) was one of the fundamental cornerstones of their success. Their wives were smart. Their wives made them happy. Their wives supported them when they jumped off a cliff with a set of makeshift wings hoping the wind would catch them. Their wives fought hard for them, sometimes picking up the pieces of a failure. Their wives were awesome.

There are over 3 billion women in the world (and men!). I cannot for the life of me fathom how people get to the point where they accept "good enough" from a boyfriend or girlfriend, and go ahead and turn them into their spouse. Guys (girls), the slob you date will be a slob when you're married. The fat person you date won't get a six pack and have excellent cardiac health if you just have a few years to work on them after you wed. The profligate spender won't become a strategic investor once you tie the knot (and hand over your MAC Pin), and the sidewalker won't help you merge into the fastlane. Everything you hate about them when you're dating will be a knife in your kidney if you marry them. The stuff that pisses you off about them will never, ever go away.

No decision deserves more perspicacious thought than the decision of who to marry. I'd rather bomb a business than get divorced any day. Don't be afraid to use a service like eHarmony either; studies seem to indicate that having a computer look for a spouse for you might be more effective than just walking up to someone at a bar (go figure). You cannot afford to screw this one up. Failure will knock you down, but having a spouse that undermines, destroys or enervates you is like bomb going off inside your reactor core. Read this over and over until you get it:

7) she consumes me (everyday I feel like I am trapped in jail and I cant escape, if I walk two steps ahead, she always bring me 1 steps behind, If I earn 2 USD, she waste 1 USD, etc.

That quote will be your life if you make a bad decision. This is one decision that's for keeps, even if the marriage doesn't last, the repercussions can echo through decades. Be careful.
 
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Ninjakid

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This attitude doesn't have to do with the fact that this person is a woman. It has to do with the fact that this person has major character flaws- like a bad attitude, a bad work ethic, and no patience.
Actually it likely does have to do with the fact that she's a woman.
"Character flaw" is a matter of perspective. Just because you don't agree with someone's actions or because they have an emotional outburst doesn't make it a character flaw.
As I said before, it's for the OP to make his own judgement. I'm merely offering a point of view that his wife may be dissatisfied with their relationship, and not just a bitch. I'm still suggesting he try to save the marriage rather than just call it quits. It's easy to pojnt fingers and say it's all the other person, but sometimes you have to look at yourself.
 
D

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That's tough man... I've never been married but I suggest trying to talk to her about these issues. Where I'm from people divorce over the smallest things and it rips families apart. I don't know many older people who stuck it out and stayed together.

Try to work it out but if she refuses to put in any effort then put her in your rear view... Life is too short to be miserable.
 
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tafy

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I feel so sorry for you man!

I managed to change my wife's attitude to money, spending and working. She used to blow all her money on fashion, handbags and parties etc

But over the years I have influenced her thinking into the fastlane, One of the first changes I made was that I take care of the bills but she has to work for her own spending money, now we have a baby she doesnt work ofcourse (she works harder as the kid is so active!)

She used to buy cheap throwaway clothes, I changed her attitude to buy quality more classic clothes. Now when she is bored of them she ebays them. She has also started to buy second hand clothes on ebay. (you cant sell the cheap a$$ clothes)

I always talked to her about business and marketing and how they target people to consume more, I call this (anti marketing) It made her see the companies motives and how they market and advertise their product.

Changed the supermarket to Aldi and Lidl as they dont have the big brands and marketing but the quality is great, dont know if there is an equivalent in the usa?

I spend a lot of time with my wife but I dont know about you? If your working for 12 hours a day then there isnt much you can do about it. But I would suggest that she earns her spending money. Whenever she wants to spend money then you tell her to go ahead and she will think twice as she had to work for it.
 

chipmx

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thank you everyone for their advice, mi wife in deed have some "momentum" of entrepreneurship, she love cakes and cookies as well. So I was thinking I will buy for here some accesories she can resell (its not the first time, I always try to buy things for here and we always keep it for us) but now I will do it different.

I will invest on her, maybe setup a website for here, encourage her to desing her own logo (she uses photoshop), sending here links for videotutorials on "how to sell online" (because Im sure she wont read a book at this moment, maybe later). I know she will not do as much money as I do, but the pont is to keep here busy, I think her main problem if the lack of daily activities, so I will give her a hobby

Thank you, always is great to read nice comments and feel that empathy that moves me forward.
 

smarty

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No one will say do something to you that you are not inviting them to do.
She wants more money because you're giving her money. Because you may be scared she may leave you. Whatever that shit is, cut the crap!

I cant divorce her because my daughters in deed sometimes I think that the only reason that we are together its for my kids.

Coming from my experience with my parents, one of the worst choices you can make for your kids is to stay in a dysfunctional relationship. Kids see and feel the awkwardness and they will raise up emotionally f*cked up and will tend to replicate the same shit.

Listen to this Corey Wayne, he has saved so many relationships (and lives, including mine):

 
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Determined2012

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To me the main thing about this post was about RESPECT and the LACK of it from the wife.

Not really about Fastlane, Slowlane, or her being a woman.


What type of person treats another person so intentionally poorly?

I find the wife lacks decency and logic.

Seems to me the way this post was written she doesn't give a damn about whatever, as long as she can stay home and has that money to spend.

Love or not, I would resent anybody- ESP my life partner who takes so much and causes me so much upset. I could not be happy under these circumstances.

Maybe I am immature person and need to grow up. But this is BS to me- damn love or her being a wife. The way she is behaving is a threat to the things you believe in and want to pursue and things you govern your life by. I wouldn't allow anyone to do that to me- not even my MOM.

I am myself first. Before I am a husband, dad, friend etc. I can't be my best self if I am choosing to allow things I don't agree with to have a negative impact on me.

That's just logic to me and has nothing to do with money or love.

Her behavior is obviously a detriment to your views on things, so why continue to allow it?

I don't care about letting people just be who they want to be and accepting it- ESP if it's hurtful or harmful to me. There needs to be changes or the thing will need to be amputated from my life.


I would hate and detest being exposed to it. But honestly op- don't be mad at your wife. Be mad at yourself. You CHOOSE to ALLOW something you don't agree with, like, or want for yourself.


You know it's wrong and not what you want- that's why you posted here airing her out.

She needs to value you more and what you are providing and bringing to the table (not just MONEY)

What is she bringing to the table?

(Aside from being the absolute best mom she can be) ??


In no other circumstances would people allow others to treat them poorly or take advantage of them...why let love cloud normal judgement and allow such just because this person is your "wife"?

She isn't acting like a wife to me.


She isn't playing her position. She is take take take and not putting nothing in. Of course you feel "why are we even married" you feel you get no benefits and rewards. Only stress to get more money and watch the money you do get constantly frivolously disappear.

Good luck to you sir. This whole thing is some bs. Quick question- no offense intended, but are you a "submissive" man? Just wondering.
 

samuraijack

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If you love your daughters, get a divorce. What kind of example are you giving to your children? They wake up everyday and see their father, someone who is suppose to be their example of men. Instead you show them that its okay to stay in a broken relationship, to stay with someone for their kids, to not go after what you want in life. What's worse, that or a little tears?

And don't bother trying to "change" someone who doesn't want to change. You will just annoy them. Either you accept how she is, or you remove her from your life.
 

GIlman

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This is just like any other business decision.

What is the return on your investment (ROI). From everything you post, your marriage has a negative ROI, and I'm not saying return is specifically $$ but the net benefit you get from the marriage.

Furthermore, you have to understand that in nearly every state in the US, and probably many other countries, time of marriage creates a liability for the earning partner and an asset to the non earning partner. I.e, the longer you are married the more money per month and the longer you will have to pay. This is literally an exponential more than a linear increase.

I also agree with the previous poster that you are responsible for where you are at. Either figure out a way to make this relationship work or put it in your rearview mirror.

I can speak from experience, your description of your wife is strikingly similar to my ex, we had been married 17 years, but I started to see the writing on the wall. The break point came for me one day when she flat out told me "it doesn't matter how hard you work, or if I work or don't, I deserve everything you bring home, that's the law.", and just like that the blinders were lifted and I knew my path forward.

Best of luck to you, and most importantly do what is right for you, only you can decide or know that.
 

Esquire

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Here is a simple question I asked myself eight years ago that sealed the deal on getting a divorce.

Would I marry her TODAY ...?

If yes ... stay married.

If no ... get a divorce.

That simple.

If you are staying in a relationship for any reason other than "I want to be in this relationship" ... that's a real bad situation.

Get divorced. Get to the other side. Start fresh.

That's what I did.

Best damn decision I ever made.

Worst decision ...? Getting married.

Live and learn.
 
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"Give a (wo)man a fish and you'll feed him/her for a day. Teach a (wo)man to fish and you feed him/her for a lifetime."

If she really wants certain things (such as a better car), there are ways to get it. Including making some money.

Here's the thing though:
1. You can't tell me she suddenly started behaving like a parasite (using your description). I'm pretty sure there were a ton of red flags that you conveniently ignored up until now.
2. People can change for the better. All it takes is a decision. And most of the time, it's NOT dramatic change that's necessary. Just some little tweaks and everything's peachy (again).
3. (This is the most important part) Ask yourself WHY she wants all that shallow stuff like going to the movies or parties or gossip.
What kind of pain is she trying to numb? What kind of void within herself is she trying to fill with trivial stuff?
(And while you're at it, look at your own inner void.)
 

armitage79

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Hey man, I know how you feel. Part of the reason your wife was attracted to you was your spirit of individuality. But she may not share the same traits. Don't count that against her. Just realize that you don't need to teach her anything. Just prove yourself and your ideas can make money! She will be glad that she picked the right one.
 

100k

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Choose.... you wanna stay broke and have her spend all the money you make ... or do you want to make sure you and your legacy is wealthy!
 
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1) she neither work nor study since I meet her and I married here 10 years ago (despite I always encourage her to study anything or to read anything productive, she only read celebrities gossips magazines and similar stuff)

So, call me old school but you knew this going in, made the choice to enter a relationship have kids and NOW your complaining? Now you realizing you are not able to change her and you have kids. You both need counseling and I'm not a believer in just divorcing without trying to work through the issues. I believe in commitment and your kids will learn a great deal from observing how you deal with this. Your kids need to see the effort to work this out instead of being blindsided with a divorce.

Best case, you both improve as parents and financial responsibilities. Worst case, you eventually end in divorce and the kids will have a better understanding it is not because of them. What ever you do, don't be rash.
 

chipmx

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This is just like any other business decision.


I can speak from experience, your description of your wife is strikingly similar to my ex, we had been married 17 years, but I started to see the writing on the wall. The break point came for me one day when she flat out told me "it doesn't matter how hard you work, or if I work or don't, I deserve everything you bring home, that's the law.", and just like that the blinders were lifted and I knew my path forward.

.

Thank you man, maybe that is our future, and yes I am seeking my marriage with negative ROI, for example.. today I must pay 250 USD of the cellphone montly contract, she wants and iPhone two years ago in and I said, well why not? because I cant afford it to pay in cash (sidewalk) I engage a 18 Months contract of about 100 usd each month for my wife iPhone, suddenly the last year she decides the iPhone was no longer functional for her, so she decide ask for another 18 month contract for a new cellphone but now with a Galaxy S4 mini, then she told me.. the iphone will be yours (I really dont care about apple, android, cellphones or 4G or anything, in deed I prefer to be without cellphone) so because of here I am paying right now about 150 USD monthly cellphone contract, if you think that is bad read this... a few months ago she destroy the iPhone when she was angry with me ... so now I am paying a 100 USD iphone rental without any iphone.. and her cotract of about 50 USD monthly

fortunately this december I finish her iPhone contract and I am planning to pay in advance those 2 months in two weeks or less because I have another mentallity right now (fastlane) and I didnt want some parasitc debt

Here is a simple question I asked myself eight years ago that sealed the deal on getting a divorce.

Would I marry her TODAY ...?

If yes ... stay married.

If no ... get a divorce.

That simple.

If you are staying in a relationship for any reason other than "I want to be in this relationship" ... that's a real bad situation.

Get divorced. Get to the other side. Start fresh.

That's what I did.

Best damn decision I ever made.

Worst decision ...? Getting married.

Live and learn.

definetly NO because 10 years ago I didnt know her very well, sometimes I think I am guilty of my wife thougths, because I always been working and always gave here whatever she wants.


"Give a (wo)man a fish and you'll feed him/her for a day. Teach a (wo)man to fish and you feed him/her for a lifetime."

If she really wants certain things (such as a better car), there are ways to get it. Including making some money.

Here's the thing though:
1. You can't tell me she suddenly started behaving like a parasite (using your description). I'm pretty sure there were a ton of red flags that you conveniently ignored up until now.
2. People can change for the better. All it takes is a decision. And most of the time, it's NOT dramatic change that's necessary. Just some little tweaks and everything's peachy (again).
3. (This is the most important part) Ask yourself WHY she wants all that shallow stuff like going to the movies or parties or gossip.
What kind of pain is she trying to numb? What kind of void within herself is she trying to fill with trivial stuff?
(And while you're at it, look at your own inner void.)

I know the answer of that 3rd question and thats the main reason because I stay with her and with my daughters, I dont want my daughters have the same pain as my wife did when she was a young girl.

thank you everyone for give many advices of how to handle this situation, I know this is not a psychological but I appreciate the answers.

have a nice and productive day!
 

Lakeview

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How I can teach her? How I can change her mentallity?

You can't change people, they can only change themselves and you can only change yourself. Take long walks, discuss what she wants, and how both of can get their together.
 
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StartToday

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Only you can tell whether you made a mistake by marrying her.

Let's put money aside, will you be happy with her in the next 20 or 30 years? You're still a young fella and there are plenty of wonderful women out there in case you decide you're not gonna be happy with her.

Of course I don't know all the details about your relationship but I would abandon ship if I were you. I've always told my gf I would not tolerate someone who does not contribute in any way to my future family.
 
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