Authentic confidence - where does it come from?

[Stack$]

I bought this book on self-confidence lately and it has been stressed how real, lasting one comes ONLY from actual achievement, like business success or some other kind. Do you agree?

 

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[The-J]

It comes from being a F*ckIN BO$$ and living on your own terms, doing whatever the F*ck you want. You're confident because you're the F*ckin MAN (or WOMAN) and you know it, so you treat all situations as such.

Wanna call someone who is instrumental to your business? You do it because you can and WILL help them on their goals. Why can you do this? Cuz you're a boss.

Wanna talk to that fine honey (or stud) that you've been eyeing? You do it, because if he or she hung out with you, they would have the time of their life. Why? Cuz you're a boss.

Wanna negotiate a better price with a manufacturer? You do it, because at the end of the day, if they give you a better price they'll get more business from you, because your business will succeed. Why? You know the answer.

Be a boss.

 

[Guest3722A]

Once you actually experience that you have built great things that are unfathomable and doubted by so many, you realize that its truly possible. So the confidence to move forward with stuff like that becomes easier seeing that you had done it before. Confidence can also be built from getting in the gym and eating right and is empowering. BUT both things take tons of daily discipline and structure.

 

[Stack$]

OMG! I totally noticed the workout connection. The habits/philosophy that you need to hit your goals in the gym are totally transferable. If you can do it in the gym, you feel like you can do it anywhere else
My ex was a bodybuilder and he was the most getting-it-done person I know, was knocking polytechnic exams also (lol )

 

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[RogueInnovation]

I don't think accomplishments do it.

People will cr#p on you your whole life, no matter who you are or what you achieve.
Money won't give you confidence just like sex won't give you confidence. You have to find your own purpose and follow that or encorporate good financial foundations into that.

Everyone is just going to want to cr#p on you and control you more, the more money you make.
They'll wanna rip you off, secretly hate you, blame you for their life.

Fact is, money is a problem, and you have to be tough enough to handle it.

Real confidence comes from humility, purpose and grit and you need great boundaries, otherwise people are going to pull you over hot coals and there isn't anything you can do.
Stand up for yourself.

 

[Jakeeck]

Starting and running a business take so much more discipline than working out and eating right. Hitting the gym is only a 1-2 hour commitment on a given day, a business on the other hand...

I'm very disciplined with working out and eating right, but I find it so much harder to stay disciplined business-wise.

 

[Guest3722A]

OMG! I totally noticed the workout connection. The habits/philosophy that you need to hit your goals in the gym are totally transferable. If you can do it in the gym, you feel like you can do it anywhere else
My ex was a bodybuilder and he was the most getting-it-done person I know, was knocking polytechnic exams also (lol )

The thing is though, don't compare yourself to your ex, or anyone else. YOU have your own individual "levels". And Your own individual way of getting things/goals accomplished. For me, when I get back to the gym which will be in the next few days, I'll hit it slow but consistent because I know muscle doesn't forget, and I keep it enjoyable. After time, my body wants more so I pick it up. And so on and so on.
The small steps lead to great change.

My personal level with the gym though is 6 days a week, between 20 minutes to an hour per-session depending on aerobic or anaerobic, but then I MUST take in nutrients within 45 minutes after a workout, and then eat every 2.5 - 3.5 hours throughout the day to maintain my metabolism and obtain my goals.

 

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[marklov]

Not need to make it more complicated than it is.

 

[Iammelissamoore]

Once you actually experience that you have built great things that are unfathomable and doubted by so many, you realize that its truly possible. So the confidence to move forward with stuff like that becomes easier seeing that you had done it before. Confidence can also be built from getting in the gym and eating right and is empowering. BUT both things take tons of daily discipline and structure.

Definitely daily discipline and structure indeed, so Important.

I also believe it comes from within, you can't buy it, no one else can be confident on your behalf, it's something from within you, it's more than believing that you can get something done, it's knowing it will happen and acting on it, regardless of the outcome, if you fail, there's a lesson that will be learnt about why you failed, if you succeed, you just know to keep doing what you've done, an excellent win-win situation.

 

[Iammelissamoore]

The thing is though, don't compare yourself to your ex, or anyone else. YOU have your own individual "levels". And Your own individual way of getting things/goals accomplished.

Also another excellent point, when we take our focus off our goal, we start to lose balance. I guess the Facebook poll they took a while ago is an example as that; it was noted that frequent users of Facebook tend to be depressed or more likely to commit suicide due to comparisons of their own lives and their friends etc. When we mind other people's business, or as we say in my country, "macco" people business, we lose focus. You know?!

As we've come to recognise by now, for most things, there's no right way or wrong way, per se, to do it, there's always only your unique way to get it done.

While I will agree that self-confidence can stem from personal success etc. as you've asked, remember, success isn't always based on turning an idea into a multi-billion dollar deal after contributing exceptional process, sometimes success is walking one more block today than you did yesterday when you went for your early morning walk. However, the motivation starts from within.

 

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[Ninjakid]

Behold. Authentic confidence.

 

[Iammelissamoore]

Behold. Authentic confidence.

Hahahahahaha - Perfect! Confidence indeed.

 

[smarty]

 

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[Rawr]

Advice I got awhile back, hopefully some will find it useful.

Me - advice on fear, uncertainty, stalling in life..

response- That fear is ALL NORMAL... But CRIPPLING none the less. It all goes back to my first thesis regarding boys and manhood. ALL boys have that fear of pain and failure.... The opposite of that fear is confidence. MOST young men in our society will never TRULY be confident... They cover up for that with cockiness and arrogance. Neither have anything to do with confidence. Confidence comes from when you've been pushed BEYOND where you thought you could ever go. To be dragged across that line and realizing you survived. Confidence is KNOWING your limits... Your threshold for pain. AND KNOWING they far exceed what you will ever encounter in day to day life.

 

[GIlman]

I tend to have confidence in most things I do, no one is confident in everything. Confidence is something you have because you have succeeded in other things you have done.

Below is how I have lived my life, it is how I do the things others can't seem to accomplish, and ultimately it's the reason I am confident that I can repeat in the future the success I have had in the past.

First, if I am persuing something I genuinely believe it can be done and that "I" can do it. If I don't believe it can be done or that I can do it I will find something else that I believe I can. There is no reason to chase after something I do not believe in, don't waste your energy. If you don't have the confidence to do a big project select something that is the biggest thing you can completely believe you can do, something you can honestly believe in your ability to succeed at. Aim as big as you can unconditionally know you can accomplish. Once you know you will succeed you will keep working until you figure out the formula that allows it to work.

Once I have accepted something as doable, I then set out to figure out the how part, I no longer ask if it can be done, I have already determined for myself that it will happen. The important thing is that I don't assume that I know how, but I know that I can figure it out.

Next, I then become absolutely obsessed with figuring it out. I read and research and try to find out everything I can about it. I live that thing, I eat it, I breath it, I sleep on it. My goal is to know more than most experts. I keep doing this until I can figure out what I have to do to succeed, and how specifically to do it. Then I keep reading and researching to strengthen my understanding and mastery of what I am doing.

The rest is automatic, because I assume that there will be hang ups, but I know that I will figure a way around anything that presents itself to be solved.

The short formula is:

1) Decide what you know you can do, stretch your self
2 If you don't know how to start, read and research specifically on that issue until you know how to start. This may take weeks or months. Be obsessed!!!!!!!
3) Keep reading and researching
4) Get your hands dirty, try different solutions, find one that works, then find a better solution, refine and look for an even better one. Even if you have solved one issue or milestone, keep thinking about it and makes changes as you think of them.
5) Few things worth doing are ever "done", there is always something more you can do. It is all a process, just rinse and repeat the above at every stage.

The last thing I would say is be extreme, do what others won't. If you believe it then do whatever it takes to make it happen.

As an example, I decided one day I wanted the freedom of learning to fly...so I decided I was going to do it. I researched planes, got on the phone, found the plane I wanted. It was in north Carolina. I bought it, then went out to go get it. The thing is, I had never even been in a small plane in my life, but I had made the decision that I this was what I wanted and jumped in both feet first. So I hired an instructor and we flew transamerica from kitty hawk to San Diego, and back home to AZ, making 42 landings along the way. That was my introduction and first 30 hours of flight experience. On top of that I had flown coast to coast, something even most pilots will never do in their lives.

As a side note, even the instructor thought I was crazy, but hearing people tell me that only makes me want it more.

DECIDE WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO AND THEN DO IT. It's that easy, it's what makes you confident.

 

[craig1928]

Certainty

 

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[Formless]

Identity.

Read The New Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz.

You must reshape the identity you have created for yourself along side action taking. If simply action taking doesn't give you 'confidence' (and for some people, it might), you will begin to self-sabotage once you reach a level of success that's beyond what you believe you deserve.

 

[GuestUser113]

It comes from being a F*ckIN BO$$ and living on your own terms, doing whatever the F*ck you want. You're confident because you're the F*ckin MAN (or WOMAN) and you know it, so you treat all situations as such.

Wanna call someone who is instrumental to your business? You do it because you can and WILL help them on their goals. Why can you do this? Cuz you're a boss.

Wanna talk to that fine honey (or stud) that you've been eyeing? You do it, because if he or she hung out with you, they would have the time of their life. Why? Cuz you're a boss.

Wanna negotiate a better price with a manufacturer? You do it, because at the end of the day, if they give you a better price they'll get more business from you, because your business will succeed. Why? You know the answer.

Be a boss.

 

[SteveO]

Confidence comes with the realization that nobody else is better than you. Nobody is... Being stronger does not make you better. Having more brain power does not make you better. Making decisions that keep you in harmony with your goals is all that you need.

Authority is not your leader, they just want you to think they are.

Fear is something that we drum up in our thoughts. Stop projecting a false future and outcomes that have not happened. Live in the present where you can make choices that are not based on irrational echoes in our heads.

You are in charge of your life. What you have created is truly magnificent regardless of what you think it is.

 

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[SteveO]

Confidence is KNOWING your limits... Your threshold for pain. AND KNOWING they far exceed what you will ever encounter in day to day life.

Damn Rawr, some good preaching there... I believe that we should know our limits. I also believe that we only have limits because we place them there.

 

[smarty]

Confidence is your certainty on what you do.
Self-esteem is your certainty on who you are.

 

[nskitts]

Confidence comes from knowing that you can do what you want to do if you want to do it enough to do what it requires to do it. Everything is learnable. Nobody was born being able to perform brain surgery or to run a successful business. "I can't do this, and I can't do that." "I never learned to paint, or build things, or work on cars, etc, etc." So, learn then.

Confidence is knowing that you have the willpower in your gas tank to complete your goal no matter how uncomfortable the road is to get there.

Confidence is declaring to yourself that you can learn what you need to learn to do what you want to do and knowing without a doubt that is true.

 

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[scott.legendre]

I think confidence comes from experience first and foremost. it also comes from knowing in your mind that you'll get through whatever happens, and knowing that there are always other opportunities available. It is realizing your fear and doing it anyway. when your worries are gone, confidence shines through.

 

[RogueInnovation]

I also believe that we only have limits because we place them there.

I don't think we place them there, but we have to uncover it and take responsibility.
I've learnt a few skills in life, and every damn time its the same thing, you start off thinking "why do I need this skill?", then you wonder what the skill even is, then you silently commit to it without real reason, you feel insecure cuz everyone seems to have an actual reason or actual knowledge while you are just trying to rustle up an idea of what to learn, you start having instincts on what is right and people shove weak BS in your face because their ego makes them think they need it, you get hit by reality and you start to take responsibility, you push yourself and over time learn.

Its like that every time.
First time I did it I was a kid, my idea was "I'll be a real man", so I dedicated myself to the learning as a way of transforming into manhood.
Second time I did it because I needed the skill to help others and to give me purpose.
Next time I did it because people tried to take everything away from me.

What I learnt by learning skills over and over is that the lessons aren't about understanding concepts (I understood all the conceopts the first skill I learned)
We just REACT with concepts.

The third skill I learned I used NO concepts, because, you can't learn the same concept 3 times, and not see through what is happening.

I got sick and tired of these concepts, principles etc, because the novelty of them only exists while you actually BELIEVE they matter. Once you know they don't it becomes harder to learn cuz concepts are like water.

Fourth time I learnt a skill, I just listened to all the concepts again, and used other people's surprise to circumvent my own lack of surprise.


My point is, you repeat the concepts over and over, and they are just VESSELS for growth, strawmen, ways to word certain feelings. What really makes you learn is WHAT YOU DO behind the words, behind the concepts, and how much you grow.

Another point is, you always get pulled back to zero. For example, you are good at business, but what if you wanted to be a good writer? You have to start at nothing. And no matter how closely business principles can mirror the skills of fiction writing it doesn't mean squat.
You get pulled back to zero every time you make a vague commitment to improve and go all the way.

Everyone in that new field tells you that you have "issues" to fix, and they are the same issues you fixed before. They strut around thinking you are at zero, and never acted courageously in your life, even though you may have made millions of dollars and lived a life far beyond their capacity.
They tell you about how you make your own limitations, again and again, like it is something new.

You get over this bullsh#t and tune out, because you know the truth isn't that you have issues, you simply took on a new skill and are at ZERO again in that skill.
You then go about learning how it applies DIFFERENTLY in this new skill.

And usually it isn't very different but you have to find a way to learn it again either way.
And it is pointless sh#t, because while they tell you the issues you need to get over, you are thinking "omg, these guys are such beginners". It is like being a professional dancer and going to learn steps, and listening as they describe terminology, when you can see the instructor has no actual clue.

Thats what the learning process is, and not cuz we MAKE our own limits. But because we must FIND THEM. The hard part of learning isn't the solution, it is the UNIQUE and INSIGHTFUL and context specific questions. Once the question is different, you can use old concepts in new ways and use COURAGE to grow and to do things with it.
And as you do that, you progress at the new skill.


You don't exactly create your own limits (in a way where you suck), the limits are apparitions and scapegoats that exist until you find a way to utilise your situation for growth.

Its easy to be black and white the FIRST time you learn stuff, but once you stop being able to count on one hand how many times you have had the same limit, it is increasingly more grey.


Oh, and another thing, we have REAL limits. But no one ever pushes to it because of their self invented drama burrns them out before they get there.
When you hit that limit even ONCE in your life, you realise your mortality, not your strength.
You sit there like a fish out of water, gulping, and there is no poetry to it. There is nothing anyone can do or say to strengthen you past that wall.

When you hit that wall it changes you forever.


I get people telling me I don't do enough, when they only learnt ONE thing in life and never hit the wall.
Anyone can learn one skill one time and act like an arrogant dick. It takes real courage to continuously and willingly humiliate yourself in order to grow and learn new things.

My aggression at business, is partly because I think people around me are cowards. And I am challenged to ACCEPT their advice anyways. I am challenged to see strength in their words they don't deserve.

That is what it takes to keep learning.


So I don't agree that limits are created by self, the limits are in how you see other people.
And how much you will let them help you, even if they don't understand what you are going through.

It is about becoming selfless enough to ignore all you "know", kneel down and listen to them. It is about not correcting them, and it is about learning from them like a father learns from the child.


Real limits exist, because, for whatever reason, you CANNOT learn a skill overnight. It always collapses.
Skilll learning is like inception, concepts within concepts, within concepts until you hit limbo.

Limbo has very real limits that can screw you up, and each skill you learn forces you closer. Pretty soon you worry less about the skill, and more about yourself.


Thats how it really is, its like groundhog day.
Your real limits are in your heart, not in your head.


Don't believe me?
Go out of your comfort zone and learn something new.
You will see I'm right.

If you still don't think I'm right, learn something new again, and again, and again.
And you eventually after the sh#t kicking you take will start to get it or gulp like a fish on the floor and choose cowardice over truth.

Thats how it is...

And it is somewhat disturbing, to hear learning "glorified" as if people are the reason for their difficulties. THEY ARE NOT THE REASON, that is like telling a child they are at fault for their parents lives (you created this cuz you were an accident).

YOU CANNOT BLAME TO LEARN
Not even blaming yourself
Never ever ever has that ever once worked

What blaming does is it makes you BELIEVE you can't do it and stops you trying. It bundles you in knots.


It is not your fault, but you must find enough passionate refusal in your heart, to find a problem so you can grow by finding a solution.
It is a PROCESS, and it is NATURAL.

You should not feel you are to blame for this.



If you can grasp this point I am making you can learn for life.
Right now I'm learning, coding, languages, art, professional dance, medicine, cooking, business.
Don't dare tell yourself those limits are put there ONCE by yourself cuz you are a dick.
You are NOT, you never were.
You were enough when you knew nothing.

BUT in finding heart to go further, you carved out a path for your life.

I say, why have one path when you can have 50.
You need to not think you are the problem to do that though, just saying.