My first real attempt at marketing our company!

[Mr. Thomas]

Hey Guys,

To keep a long story short, I help run and manage a decent sized cleaning company. Officially, I am the head sales representative and just recently I took on the role of market development. I started back in 2009 as my own company and in 2011 I merged with a larger company which took away some control but gave me a lot more free time! I know this was a nut move so you will have to forgive me, I had not read or heard of the Millionaire Fastlane at that time. The purpose of this thread is not to determine whether my current situation is fast lane...I know the answer! What I wish to achieve is to learn the in's and out's of marketing. I am in a position to test anything I want without spending a dime of my own money. I figure this is a golden opportunity for me to learn some valuable lessons that will both help with my current career and help me in my future stake in the world of FastLane!

My plan is to expand this company to a new level and up until this time I have only performed business to business cold calls, in person. Word of mouth has worked ok but walking into the front door in person has proven most effective given my limited tactics. I hope that by implementing an aggressive and targeted ad campaign we will be able to realize the kind of growth I know we are capable of.

I have also been commissioned to rebuild our website, determine which streams of social media to implement if any, and to develop a growth strategy that we can follow step by step. I am still working on the strategy but I do have a Phase One!!! The goal with this phase it strengthen the foundation of our company and to hopefully provide us with some valuable feedback from the customers we already serve. Once I gauge the response, I hope to have a better idea on how to successfully reach new potential clients...which is the end goal.

Phase One: Internal Growth-The foundation
90% of our client base is commercial. Within our base we are only taping into about 20% of the overall revenue within our industry. That 20% is window cleaning which leaves revenues generated from janitorial, carpet cleaning, power washing, and tile cleaning on the table. Since we are fully capable of providing for these additional needs we have put together a glorified program that we call...The Comprehensive Service Plan. Basically we combine all of their annual services under one plan, bill them one monthly fee, and we take care of the scheduling. I am currently working on a sales ad that we will print on the back of all of our invoices which will be targeted at specific, Existing clients who we believe would fit this new model perfectly. We figured since they have to work with our invoices already, what better place to put an add for an up-sale! I am attaching a file to show you guys what I have so far. It is a rough draft and I am simply looking for your input. Once I have several different versions of this same add ironed out, we will begin testing the response. I also plan to provide a coupon at the bottom of every invoice we send with this ad.

Have a look, don't be shy and please don't worry about my feelings! I will update this thread as I continue to develop my strategy and marketing plan. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated.

Here's to more experience!

 

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[SYK]

Feedback from someone who spent a lot of time in the comms industry:

- Paragraph breaks. 1-2 sentences per paragraph.
- Go easy on the exclamation marks. Feels like you're yelling the whole thing at me.
- Feels a little spammy at times, esp. "ACT NOW!!!". I get the call to action but capitals and three exclamation marks is overkill.
- "One company! One Invoice! One low monthly payment!" Without knowing exactly what you do, this seems to be the customer pain point you're pushing. If so, make these three standout more.
- Lose either "discount" or "OFF" in the last sentence. It's tautological. Only one of them is needed.

Sidenote: You've read, Ca$hvertising haven't you??

 

[Josh from SD]

Hey Guys,

To keep a long story short, I help run and manage a decent sized cleaning company. Officially, I am the head sales representative and just recently I took on the role of market development. I started back in 2009 as my own company and in 2011 I merged with a larger company which took away some control but gave me a lot more free time! I know this was a nut move so you will have to forgive me, I had not read or heard of the Millionaire Fastlane at that time. The purpose of this thread is not to determine whether my current situation is fast lane...I know the answer! What I wish to achieve is to learn the in's and out's of marketing. I am in a position to test anything I want without spending a dime of my own money. I figure this is a golden opportunity for me to learn some valuable lessons that will both help with my current career and help me in my future stake in the world of FastLane!

My plan is to expand this company to a new level and up until this time I have only performed business to business cold calls, in person. Word of mouth has worked ok but walking into the front door in person has proven most effective given my limited tactics. I hope that by implementing an aggressive and targeted ad campaign we will be able to realize the kind of growth I know we are capable of.

I have also been commissioned to rebuild our website, determine which streams of social media to implement if any, and to develop a growth strategy that we can follow step by step. I am still working on the strategy but I do have a Phase One!!! The goal with this phase it strengthen the foundation of our company and to hopefully provide us with some valuable feedback from the customers we already serve. Once I gauge the response, I hope to have a better idea on how to successfully reach new potential clients...which is the end goal.

Phase One: Internal Growth-The foundation
90% of our client base is commercial. Within our base we are only taping into about 20% of the overall revenue within our industry. That 20% is window cleaning which leaves revenues generated from janitorial, carpet cleaning, power washing, and tile cleaning on the table. Since we are fully capable of providing for these additional needs we have put together a glorified program that we call...The Comprehensive Service Plan. Basically we combine all of their annual services under one plan, bill them one monthly fee, and we take care of the scheduling. I am currently working on a sales ad that we will print on the back of all of our invoices which will be targeted at specific, Existing clients who we believe would fit this new model perfectly. We figured since they have to work with our invoices already, what better place to put an add for an up-sale! I am attaching a file to show you guys what I have so far. It is a rough draft and I am simply looking for your input. Once I have several different versions of this same add ironed out, we will begin testing the response. I also plan to provide a coupon at the bottom of every invoice we send with this ad.

Have a look, don't be shy and please don't worry about my feelings! I will update this thread as I continue to develop my strategy and marketing plan. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated.

Here's to more experience!

Hey Guys,

To keep a long story short, I help run and manage a decent sized cleaning company. Officially, I am the head sales representative and just recently I took on the role of market development. I started back in 2009 as my own company and in 2011 I merged with a larger company which took away some control but gave me a lot more free time! I know this was a nut move so you will have to forgive me, I had not read or heard of the Millionaire Fastlane at that time. The purpose of this thread is not to determine whether my current situation is fast lane...I know the answer! What I wish to achieve is to learn the in's and out's of marketing. I am in a position to test anything I want without spending a dime of my own money. I figure this is a golden opportunity for me to learn some valuable lessons that will both help with my current career and help me in my future stake in the world of FastLane!

My plan is to expand this company to a new level and up until this time I have only performed business to business cold calls, in person. Word of mouth has worked ok but walking into the front door in person has proven most effective given my limited tactics. I hope that by implementing an aggressive and targeted ad campaign we will be able to realize the kind of growth I know we are capable of.

I have also been commissioned to rebuild our website, determine which streams of social media to implement if any, and to develop a growth strategy that we can follow step by step. I am still working on the strategy but I do have a Phase One!!! The goal with this phase it strengthen the foundation of our company and to hopefully provide us with some valuable feedback from the customers we already serve. Once I gauge the response, I hope to have a better idea on how to successfully reach new potential clients...which is the end goal.

Phase One: Internal Growth-The foundation
90% of our client base is commercial. Within our base we are only taping into about 20% of the overall revenue within our industry. That 20% is window cleaning which leaves revenues generated from janitorial, carpet cleaning, power washing, and tile cleaning on the table. Since we are fully capable of providing for these additional needs we have put together a glorified program that we call...The Comprehensive Service Plan. Basically we combine all of their annual services under one plan, bill them one monthly fee, and we take care of the scheduling. I am currently working on a sales ad that we will print on the back of all of our invoices which will be targeted at specific, Existing clients who we believe would fit this new model perfectly. We figured since they have to work with our invoices already, what better place to put an add for an up-sale! I am attaching a file to show you guys what I have so far. It is a rough draft and I am simply looking for your input. Once I have several different versions of this same add ironed out, we will begin testing the response. I also plan to provide a coupon at the bottom of every invoice we send with this ad.

Have a look, don't be shy and please don't worry about my feelings! I will update this thread as I continue to develop my strategy and marketing plan. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated.

Here's to more experience!

Here’s some quick feedback:

- Your headline needs to be stronger, illustrate the pain they’re currently in

Ex: Do You Have Headaches From Organizing All Your Service Vendors?
How To Get Rid Of All Your Service Vendors & Still Get The Job Done.

- I would stick with two sentence paragraphs.

- You need bullet points to illustrate the benefits.

- Think about breaking up your copy like this:

Here’s what I got…
Here’s how you’ll benefit…
Here’s what I want you to do next…

Last - your offer needs a deadline. Preferably two weeks out. You can even put a number in this part “We are allowing a limited number {HOW MANY? } of existing clients into this exclusive program, once we have filled our quota we will no longer be able to offer our first month discount of 50% OFF.”

Hope this helps…

 

[Mr. Thomas]

Feedback from someone who spent a lot of time in the comms industry:

- Paragraph breaks. 1-2 sentences per paragraph.
- Go easy on the exclamation marks. Feels like you're yelling the whole thing at me.
- Feels a little spammy at times, esp. "ACT NOW!!!". I get the call to action but capitals and three exclamation marks is overkill.
- "One company! One Invoice! One low monthly payment!" Without knowing exactly what you do, this seems to be the customer pain point you're pushing. If so, make these three standout more.
- Lose either "discount" or "OFF" in the last sentence. It's tautological. Only one of them is needed.

Sidenote: You've read, Ca$hvertising haven't you??

-Thank you for the honest feedback. Ca$hvertising is the reason why I gained an interest in marketing. I have never given it the time of day but now I realize that I have left a huge opportunity on the table and I plan to change that now. At the moment there are several big hitters in our city along with a few handfuls of one-man-bands that we compete against. No one is marketing like we plan to so we feel this is the answer to setting ourselves apart from the crowd.

-Point well taken. I know this is not an essay so I need to learn this new style in order to better captivate the audience. Is there a rule of thumb when setting these breaks? Other than simply cutting it off at 1-2 sentences?

-Exclamation marks, I know I use them too often and I will fix that. I got a bit carried away trying to grab attention!

-I felt like it was way too spammy myself but again, being my first attempt I was shooting for over the top. I will tone it back.

-You are correct about our target customers pain points. What are some good ways to make these stand out more? I made it a point to be redundant throughout the message but I agree it is missing something.

-I didn't catch that last part, thank you for pointing that out.

Thank you again for offering your advise!

 

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[TJPB]

You should consider selling your percentage in the company and starting anew. Then all of your efforts here would benefit you and your company......not your partners.

 

[Mr. Thomas]

Alright guys,

I have re-written my sales letter and I have taken into account everything that was suggested. I definitely like it better but I still feel my headline is on the weak side. It is still a work in progress.

Check it out...

 

[qvantage]

As the above all said that your news subject title is so week so firstly try to concentrate to write perfect eye catching news subject title.

 

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[Mr. Thomas]

Point taken! Any feedback on my latest revision?

Here are some headline ideas I have that cover various pain points in our industry, let me know what you guys think if you would.

"Finally, A Cleaning Company That Offers A Money Back Guarantee!"

"Do You Have Trouble Keeping Track of Your Service Providers & Wish There Were An Easier Way?"

"Having Trouble With Your Cleaning Company? We Will Clean Up Their Mess For Free!"

Am I on the right track? I don't know why but writing catchy headlines is proving to be difficult for me. Ill get it with practice.

Thanks for the help guys and gals.

 

[Yasai]

"People love to buy, but they don't like to be sold".

Some of it seems a bit pushy - but since I don't know your niche, you might as well disregard what I say. You probably know your customers better than anyone here does. Speak from your heart (clichee, I know) and show them that you sincerely care about them... and how much you would like to be of service to them (without sounding needy of course).

The Money-Back Gurantee is a perfect example for this approach. If you can put more "Good Will" into the sales message, you'll probably get some great feedback.
But then again, I don't know the preferences of your niche - just speaking generally here.

The other thing: You should probably put your biggest strengths first (the cleaning/janitorial service) and hit them with the secondary benefits ("only one invoice" etc.) AFTER that. Displays the secondary benefit in a much better light in my opinion (as in: "Look, our [GREAT SERVICE] now comes with [EVEN MORE BENEFITS]").

All of that needs to be taken with a grain of salt of course, since niches can behave somewhat irrational/counter-intuitve. Testing/Split-testing is always a very good idea.

Hope this was helpful.
Cheers

 

[Mr. Thomas]

Here is my latest creation. I decided to take a new angle with this and see if I could get away from the pushy ad feel of the other copy. I am still learning here and I appreciate everyone's input so far. I am taking it all very seriously.

Thank you

 

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[Yasai]

Meh, I don't like the whole Boogeyman approach.
Just my personal opinion though, since I'm all for positive marketing and only talking about negative things/fears in a "consulting" way.

 

[Ryllban]

Im in no place to give you expert advice ( trying to build my own business) but what I can recommend for you is this:

Read all the books and information you can get on Dan Kennedy and Jay Abraham. Implement their strategies. Good luck!

 

[LTL]

Meh, I don't like the whole Boogeyman approach.
Just my personal opinion though, since I'm all for positive marketing and only talking about negative things/fears in a "consulting" way.

Forget what you like...you are not his target client

It's a massive improvement from the previous letter....a quantum leap in his skills to be exact .

Bogeyman approach = fear = pain and as human we only operate on pain or pleasure.


He needs to emphasize the pain of a personal injury claim and lawyer fees ...better yet find an article where a business went bankrupt due to poor servicemen

 

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[Deon]

That last sales letter is SO MUCH better than the ones before. It is clean

I personally don't like when you repeat things many times "The sub-contractor could be...The sub-contractor could be ...The sub-contractor could be " But maybe that's just me.

I don't even know if the OP is still doing this since he didn't post in a couple of months... but would be interested in knowing how he did.

 

[Yasai]

Forget what you like...you are not his target client

It's a massive improvement from the previous letter....a quantum leap in his skills to be exact .

Bogeyman approach = fear = pain and as human we only operate on pain or pleasure.


He needs to emphasize the pain of a personal injury claim and lawyer fees ...better yet find an article where a business went bankrupt due to poor servicemen

I take it you don't work in Marketing...
Don't say "you're not his target client" in response to a statement that has been declared as a subjective preference and then proceed to state your own

Smart Approach: Split-testing. Measure conversion-rates. Let the numbers decide.

 

[LTL]

I take it you don't work in Marketing...
Don't say "you're not his target client" in response to a statement that has been declared as a subjective preference and then proceed to state your own

Smart Approach: Split-testing. Measure conversion-rates. Let the numbers decide.

And you made this informed assumption based on what ?

All you gave was self absorbed opinion based on your preferences.
He has clearly improved as a copywriter - you failed to acknowledge that.

Then you dismiss the "bogeyman" approach in favor of a positive approach
Yet only use the negative/fear in a consultative manner...........................

I'm done with you

 

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[Yasai]

Good riddance.

 

[LTL]

Errr ... Okay